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A life upgrade.

The Sony PlayStation 3 (purchased 17 March 2007[1] - 28 August 2010) was Chris's original "life upgrade". He wanted to win one in a contest, so he made a video where he built one out of Pixelblocks. He would "throw out the cure for autism" for one.[2] Chris eventually went ahead and bought one with taxpayer money from his monthly tugboat, using one of his many collected credit cards. In August 2010, following repeated PS3 abuse, he destroyed his life upgrade.

Chris's replacement PS3 is his second life upgrade. Despite ceremoniously "MovingFoward" only a few days before, Chris could not live without his life upgrade, and so reportedly wasted yet more of Americans' tax dollars replacing it. He was earning new trophies with it by the second week of September 2010. May the frivolous PSN spending and hacking drama continue.

PlayStation Network

Confirmation e-mails, a testament to Chris's financial responsibility.

Being as irresponsible with money as he is, Chris went into overdrive with this feature of the PS3's online capabilities. Chris has spent so much on the PSN, it has contributed most of his credit card debt (roughly $3,500 as of early 2010).

You might ask yourself how he could spend that much and what he could spend it on. Chris seemingly buys everything possible, from game content to movies to several episodes of terrible harem anime. A list of Chris's PSN purchases reveals that he has even bought upgrades to games he doesn't even own.

Chris has spent at least $3,767.54 in American taxpayer dollars.

Spending history

The following table chronicles Chris's deposits into his PlayStation Network "wallet" between April 2007 and February 2010, the period for which detailed records of his transactions are available (thanks to the work of expert hackers).

Some interesting patterns can be spotted in his spending habits. He was relatively thrifty for most of 2007 and into early 2008, when he still had a few other outlets for entertaining himself outside his home. There's a sharp spike around the time of his first ban from The GAMe PLACe, though (and he might also have been binging to get over his "breakup" with Megan Schroeder, which happened that same spring). Likewise, it's perhaps not a coincidence that after Chris was permanently booted from The PLACe in the summer of 2008, he began spending a good deal more money on the PSN.

In light of the second wave of the Vivian Gee e-mails, Chris's spending in early 2010 is impressive. Despite being supposedly put on a strict budget by his father at the time (in order to pay down debts created by his earlier PSN spending), he still managed to spend around $100 or more a month.

Month Amount Month Amount Month Amount Month Amount Month Amount
February 2010 $130.00 July 2009 $80.00 December 2008 $150.00 May 2008 $90.00 October 2007 $55.00
January 2010 $90.00 June 2009 $170.00 November 2008 $110.00 April 2008 $16.02 September 2007 $35.00
December 2009 $234.29 May 2009 $135.00 October 2008 $90.07 March 2008 $20.00 August 2007 $65.00
November 2009 $215.00 April 2009 $225.00 September 2008 $90.00 February 2008 $20.00 July 2007 $25.00
October 2009 $268.41 March 2009 $210.00 August 2008 $85.00 January 2008 $75.00 June 2007 $10.00
September 2009 $132.36 February 2009 $125.00 July 2008 $120.00 December 2007 $25.00 May 2007 $35.00
August 2009 $50.00 January 2009 $90.00 June 2008 $30.00 November 2007 $30.00 April 2007 $25.00

Trophies

According to the PSN profile for Sonichu, as of 27 January 2012, Chris has 2,364 trophies. Note: Availability of Sonichu's trophy information is dependent on the proper functioning of the PlayStation Network. Information is not updated in real time.

Games with over 50% progress include:

Game Trophies Progress Comments
Back to the Future - Episode 1: It's About Time 12 100%
ModNation Racers 69 100% A driving game that Chris is terrible at. The levels that he has made so far are simply bad, and he racks up a fairly consistent .200 winning average.
Hannah Montana: The Movie 43 100% No comment.
Stacking 21 100%
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 12 100% "...Christian's father says it only takes a few hours for him to master an electronic game and then...move onto another!"
Sonic the Hedgehog 12 100% Of course.
Sly 1 36 100% Furries galore.
Sly 2 36 100%
Sly 3 36 100%
Sly Minigames 8 100%
Sonic Adventure 15 100% Grating dialogue on par with the Sonichu comics.
LittleBigPlanet 2 65 100% The game that made his Autism Tutorial possible.
Costume Quest 17 100% Made by the same people who made Brütal Legend.
SBCG4AP Episode 5: 8-Bit Is Enough 14 100%
SBCG4AP Episode 4: Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective 15 100%
SBCG4AP Episode 3: Baddest of the Bands 15 100%
SBCG4AP Episode 2: Strong Badia the Free 15 100%
SBCG4AP Episode 1: Homestar Ruiner 14 100%
LittleBigPlanet 70 100% And he still can't coordinate his jumps, or design a good level.
inFamous 50 100% A man dressed in yellow that shoots electricity? Hmmmmm...
The Mysteries of Little Riddle 37 100%
Sackboy's Prehistoric Moves 14 100%
God of War III 36 100% All that blood and gore couldn't stop Chris from grabbing all the trophies and deity boobies.
God of War II 35 100% From the God of War Collection.
Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection 35 100% Another case of redundancy for most of the included games, especially the Sonic ones.
Cuboid 24 100%
Sonic the Hedgehog 4 Episode I 12 100% Not unexpected.
Linger In Shadows 16 100% A demoscene production. Not remarkable. Most people already had 1,000 gamerscore in Second Reality. In 1993.
Flower 14 100%
Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 1: The Penal Zone 13 100%
Wheel of Fortune 13 100% Truly, the apex of hi-def gaming.
Gunstar Heroes 12 100% Chris may have gotten 100% in Gunstar Heroes, but IRL he's a total zero.
Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 2: The Tomb of Sammun Mak 12 100%
Buzz! Junior: Monsters 11 100% "Junior" says it all.
Buzz! Junior: RoboJam 11 100%
Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 4: Beyond the Alley of the Dolls 11 100%
.detuned 10 100% Another demoscene production. Again, we'd allege that Chris wouldn't get too far in Farbrausch's more famous interactive entertainment prod .kkrieger - not to even mention the largely .famous .the .product, dammit!
Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 3: They Stole Max's Brain 10 100%
Mainichi Issho 7 100% A Japan-only release. Apparently, just like Animal Crossing, only more boring and even bigger of a grindfest.
Frogger Returns 4 100% One hundred percen—!!! ...Oh, it's four trophies for four levels.
Burnout Paradise 93 91% It has cars. They can be driven. Chris thinks this game is up there among greatest games ever made, with the likes of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.[3]
Braid 11 89% A game about a man who alters time to rescue his sweetheart. Note that the end of the game reveals the main character to be a stalker. It is, however, worth noting that Braid is a puzzle game, and not a simple one to play either, yet he still fully completed the game. This is perhaps the most definite proof that Chris isn't mentally retarded (or, at least, he knows how to use GameFAQs).
Tetris 9 85%
God of War 33 82% Most of the trophies are simply earned by progressing through the game normally. The trophies he lacks are the ones that require you to complete actual challenges or completing the game in under five hours.
Heavy Rain 53 80% A pretentious wagglefest that only Chris could take seriously. Several scenes of nudity: male and female.
Band Hero 35 77% Guitar Hero for the preteen girl demographic.
The Price Is Right 11 76% Another real masterpiece of hi-def gaming
Sonic Unleashed 37 75% Due to the trophy data not visible to the public and people reporting hearsay as fact, a lot of people were under assumption that Chris had 100% of the trophies in Sonic 2006 (which doesn't even have trophies). Now, we're equally perplexed by the fact that Chris has only 75% of trophies in a bona-fide 3D Sonic title.
Brütal Legend 46 74% \m/ Britney Spears! \m/
Splatterhouse 43 72%
Space Ace 7 71%
Penny Arcade Adventures: OtRSPoD, Episode One 11 71%
Penny Arcade Adventures: OtRSPoD, Episode Two 11 71%
Noby Noby Boy 9 71%
NUMBLAST 10 71% NUMBLAST is a colorful Japanese puzzle game.
Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing 36 62% Sonic Kart couldn't hold his interest long enough for a platinum trophy. No Sonichu? Back to Modnation.
Buzz!: Quiz TV 16 61% The first of the Buzz! games to appear on PS3. See also Chris's Quizzes for his MyBUZZ! stuff.
Spelunker HD 31 58%
Watchmen 8 57% "Meeting with Chris-chan left bad taste in mouth. He is pampered and decadent, betraying even his shallow, liberal affections. Possibly homosexual? Must remember to investigate further."
UNO 10 52% Seriously? Chris probably bought it in hopes that it was like the 360 version (lots of naked women). Forgotten about when he realized that was not the case.

Comparing to the list of games he owns, there was a bunch of them that he hadn't even booted up a single time. There are some games he had touched maybe once and then left to the wayside; for example, all of his BioShock trophies are from the beginning of the game, and he received all of them on October 23, 2008, over a couple of hours. (The logical conclusion is that the second level of BioShock will blow your mind.) In public, he also prominently featured games he never really played; the PS3 History Level shows many games that he touched only a few times (Mirror's Edge and BioShock, for example, currently sit at 11% and 9% respectively), and in the PS3 tutorial, Chris says he thinks PAIN is a "fun" game, yet he let it sit at 0%.

Hacking

As a result of his online notoriety, his poor choice of passwords, and his innate gullibility, Chris’s PlayStation Network account was hacked or otherwise wrested from his control on multiple occasions. BlueSpike, in his guise as Chris’s sweetheart Julie, was able to convince Chris to break the first fundamental rule of cybersecurity and "share" his password in February 2009, which was later used as a wedge to control and torment Chris. That summer, Jack Thaddeus seized the account, resulting in the infamous eight minutes of console sex and detailed revelations concerning Chris’s insane online spending habits.

Chris managed to keep control of his accounts for a surprisingly long time after his run-in with Thaddeus, but his luck ran out on 24 February 2010, thanks to a certain Hawaiʻian.

Fanboyism

 
 
So...good reason to get a PlayStation 3 system… of at least 60 GB or higher! 'Cause, uh, y'know, they have four USB ports, the memory card slots, and able to access the Internet wirelessly. While 40 GB and lower: two USB ports, no memory card slots, and requires an Ethernet cable to connect to the Internet. And...LittleBigPlanet! And as you all know from my sponsorship video, ev— most of the videos I put up on YouTube were spon— were sponsored by Sony, and their PlayStation Eye, and their PlayStation 3.
 

 

Chris failing to tell us what the "good reason" is.

 
 
And yet, at the beginning, during the "Console War", I feel that I have chosen Truly Wise. Sony has truly helped this soul better his life, and many others as well. And with every new update, the PS3 and PSP grow more and more better alongside me. Playstaion isn't just a Station to Play, it's the station to Play and Truly Enrich Yourself. Higher Definition equals Better Points of View. Talking over the Internet from a sancturious comfort is truly an enriching luxury. Now I have put behind me my regrets of Life without Playstation. And with Priceless Experiences, an honest sense of satisfaction. And a more mature winning attitude. Sony's Playstation 3 and Playstation Portable are Truly a place I can call...My Digital HOME. :D Happy Anniversary, Playstation 3; you are Truly the Best Life Upgrade Ever
 

 

—Chris, fellating the faceless angel of overpriced electronics in PS3 History Level speech bubbles.

Chris pops giant boners for PS3. He makes trolls on /v/ look like mild enthusiasts with his hatred of the Hex Bawx.

Molestations and other PS3 damage

Son-Chu camped outside a Playstation Cave

On 24 July 2009, a video of Chris humping his PS3 was leaked. It is generally believed that physically molesting electronics may often shorten their lifespan; hard drives and optical drives are particularly prone to breaking under such physical stress.

On 5 May 2010, Chris posted a video in which he bragged about removing a "bug" from his PS3, thanks to a white knight who tipped him off. While Chris did apparently understand that the component was actually the system's wireless networking antenna, he removed it anyway. It seems to have had no effect on his ability to connect his PS3 to the Internet, indicating that he either uses a wired Ethernet connection or he realized how fucked he was and put it back in place. In any case, he voided his console's warranty...just as planned.

On 27 August 2010, Chris posted a solemn video where he explains how he inadvertently formatted his own PS3, erasing over three years of his life. Through repeated abuse (see above), Chris's PS3 was misbehaving, prompting him to contact Sony tech support. They apparently guided him through an attempt to fix corrupted files on the PS3's hard drive, but fortunately this did not go to plan and Chris was given a choice to reformat his drive, which he accepted.

In the video, Chris blamed a "misunderstanding" between him and the support representative as the reason why he ended up formatting his drive, but it's more likely that Chris wasn't even listening to the things the representative was saying, being more concerned with being able to use his life upgrade again as soon as possible. This dubious series of events was disputed by CWC experts, who suspect that Chris may not have been his TRUE and HONEST self. However, his PSN account activity suggested he had indeed deleted fucking everything.

Destruction

Trivia: Chris still keeps VHS tapes in the clutter of his room.

On 29 August 2010, trolls obtained the MovingFoward videos, where Chris finally put the nail in his life upgrade's coffin by beating it up with an edging stone and then running it over with Son-Chu. In the third video, Chris claimed to have tested his PS3 and confirmed it no longer started up but still "went into standby mode." He then used some scissors to repeatedly stab the console's remains. Trolls also obtained photographs of the console in various states of destruction.

The next day, another video appeared wherein Chris took the crushed, stabbed, and disassembled parts of his PS3, laid them out in his driveway, and ran them over with his car again for good measure.

Leaked e-mails later revealed that Chris's motivations were twofold. Chris destroyed his beloved life upgrade in an attempt to cash in on a troll-proffered reward of $9,001, as well as in hopes of satisfying his sweetheart of the moment, Jackie. However, to the surprise of none, he didn't think through this idea very clearly. He destroyed nearly $5,000 in his greed, never received the reward that he'd hoped for, and never got to first base with Jackie, either.

The rebirth

And on the seventh day, it rose again.

By 6 September 2010, only days after killing his life upgrade, it was resurrected, with your help. Chris had claimed in his exchanges with Tito and Clyde that he would never buy another PS3, probably an attempt to convince the two. Chris told Jackie that he experienced something similar to drug withdrawal after a few days without his beloved PSTriple: "Post-Destruction, two days later, I started feeling impulsive and tense from its absence."[4]

Interestingly, Chris's new PS3 still uses the original case design, even though the larger PS3s had been discontinued in favor of the newer "compact" model in late 2009. This suggests that the replacement is a second-hand or refurbished model.

The PS Move of Fail

Chris's PS Move in all its fail.
Tomgirl socializing online.

It seems that when Chris purchased his new PS3, he also purchased a PS Move. The PS Move is a derivative by Sony of Nintendo's Wii Remote. Chris, being the lover of all things TRUE and ORIGINAL we've come to know, just had to have one.

Chris seems to have painted the two controllers of his PS Move in typical Sonichu coloration; the motion controller was painted yellow, while the navigation controller was apparently painted light blue.

The PS Move has made two video appearances so far, in the Cherokee video and the wizard video.

Chris later blew forty dollars on the PlayStation Move SharpShooter[5], as seen in the infamous Tomgirl pictures.

PlayStation Plus

Sony started a subscription-based program that offers members discounts, free content (until membership expires), and exclusives. Chris, already owning everything there is on PSN, unsurprisingly decided to plunge another $50 into debt for a Plus membership. For $50 per year, Chris can now play free rentals of Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog 2, games that he has bought many times over.

Other oddities

Chris appears to keep his PS3 on most of the time. In many of the videos, he's left the console idling on the main menu or in-game menus. In Skype logs, Julie complained to Chris that he is logged on PSN when he's not actually around, which was fairly confusing.[6]

Chris appears to have put at least some of the games he has bought in blue Blu-Ray cases instead of keeping them in original retail cases.[7] He even does so in the Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles advertisement. This peculiar practice is explained in Chris's PS3 History Level: Chris buys Blu-Ray game cases from eBay and switches them over because "It's THINNER than the Clear Original PS3 Disc Cases; MORE SHELF SPACE for MORE GAMES."

See also

Sources

  1. PS3 History Level
  2. Pixelated PS3
  3. Brutal Legend Plus
  4. Jackie Chat #7
  5. [1]
  6. BlueSpike Skype Logs #8
  7. Seen, for example, in Brutal Legend.

External links