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JERKS

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Chris even divides his trading card game monsters into JERKS and females.
Jerks like to loitering around public areas harassing people. Which Chris would never do.

JERK is Chris's term for men in general, including those who are not niggos, homos, or jerkops. The canonical definition is "a MAN, other than myself, CWC, and my father, Robert Franklin Chandler, Jr."[1]

For example, Chris labeled every single one of his male MySpace friends as a jerk in his personal list. A few "respectable males" are apparently exempt from jerk status, such as George W. Bush and Barack Obama (and possibly Jack Black).

One reason is the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor.

Use as a denominator

Although he has defined the term "jerk" to mean all men save him and his father, the usage of the term seems to apply to any person who gets in the way of Chris doing something that he wants to do. If Chris wants china and can't get it because the object of his affection has a significant other, that significant other is a jerk. Chris wanted to win the Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, but Adam Stackhouse got in the way, therefore he is a jerk — allegedly because he broke the rules of the contest and used music, actually because he spoiled Chris's plans for sex with Megan Schroeder. Whether your intention was to obstruct Chris's efforts or not, you are a jerk for presenting a barrier to his goal.

Even being more talented than Chris, or more socially well-adjusted (no great feat, considering Chris) is enough to make one a jerk in Chris's eyes. Men with girlfriends did not specifically intend to cock-block Chris; they only did what well-adjusted people do and asked out a girl they liked. Adam Stackhouse simply made a good video for a competition he wanted to win and had no intention of thwarting an autistic's plans to seduce his best friend (again, the PaRappa Showdown). In Chris's self-centered way of thinking, though, they were all out to get him.

Use as a prefix/suffix

Chris derides certain professions by using "jerk" as a prefix (as with jerkop) or a suffix (as with manajerk). The addition of the prefix/suffix comes from their actions which, again, prevented Chris from getting what he wanted. Never mind the fact that managers and police officers are simply doing their job when they stop creepy patrons from soliciting members of the public for sex. They have obstructed his quest for china and so are jerks. Due to repeated encounters with these professions, Chris has taken to describing any member of their ranks as a jerk.

Varying usage

Despite the fact that Chris has openly declared that all men are jerks, in practice he doesn't seem to automatically apply the term to every man he meets. Robert Simmons V was held in some regard before he turned troll against Chris. Joseph Herring was considered a high school friend (although Chris drew him as an ugly, zit-scarred freak in his comic). Chris considered Joshua Martinez a friend (though he still tried to get ED to ruin him) as long as he thought Josh would help him score some china. John Schroeder, Megan's brother, was even the main character in one of Chris's fake video games. Once again, however, that was probably a side-effect of Chris's lust for Megan.

Chris as the embodiment of JERK

Wiktionary defines a jerk as "a person with unlikable or obnoxious qualities and behavior, typically mean, self-centered or disagreeable, and often not very intelligent." Ironically, or perhaps better put, hypocritically, Chris's actions make him more deserving of the term "jerk" than most people he applies it to.

The list of males Chris doesn't hate

The most recent version of T.L.O.M.C.D.H. was provided in Chris's annotations to his ED article. There it goes as follows:

  1. Chris himself
  2. His father
  3. "Santa Clause" [sic]
  4. Jesus
  5. God
  6. The President of the United States
  7. All the World Leaders
  8. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present.

However, in the same annotations, Chris confusingly states that his noviophobia is "Out-Of-Date". He goes on to say that he only hates trolls and "da haytahs" now, but also states that he is cool with the "Hating 99% of the World's Men" theory. In any case, the list is at least applicable to some point in Chris's biography, even if he "got over it."

Sources

  1. Story of My Current Days
The List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate

I. Chris II. Bob Chandler III. Santa Clause IV. God V. Jesus

VI. The President of the U.S.: George W. BushBarack Obama

VII. All the World Leaders: Mahmoud AhmadinejadKim Jong-unManuel Noriega

VIII. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present:
Cole SmitheyDr. David Alan ChandlerJonathan CareyUncle Raymond
Joseph HerringJoshua MartinezMimmsLucasRobert Simmons VWilliam Elliott Waterman

IX. Celebrities: Jack BlackRed SkeltonDick Van DykeBob NewhartTim AllenJerry SeinfeldBrad GarrettLarry the Cable GuyPeter Cullen

X. Robots: Optimus PrimeMegatron

XI. Electric Hedgehog Pokémon: SonichuWild SonichuPunchy SonichuMagi-ChanBlakeDJ JamstaBlazeBob SonichuMitch SonichuDarkbind SonichuMetonic

XII. Hedgehogs: Sonic the HedgehogBionic the Hedgehog

XIII. Pornstars: Bailey Jay

The List Of Males Chris Does Hate

JERKS

CWC-isms

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Dating education | Gal pal | Heart level | Sweetheart | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | Gaybian | Hanky-panky | Homos | Honest Content | Mass debating | Navy | Pickle | Raincoat | Recycling | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Cherokian Clan | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fangs | Fuzzy-wuzzies | Honor roll | Mental Block | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Prickly-Wicklies | Random-access humor | Scale of Respect | Heart level | Tomgirl

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Parody | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt | Reeb

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkop | Kick the Autistic | Laughs Under Lucricities | Manajerks | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Tobacky

Cursewords: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Naïve | Niggos | Pedofork | Slow-in-the-minds

See also: Minor CWC-isms | Chris and English