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HEXBox

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Hexbox.PNG
What a CWC lego HEXBox controller would look like if Chris: 1. Liked Xboxes 2. Had any sort of artistic talent.

HEXBox (also spelled HeXBox, HEX-Box) is a CWC-ism for the Xbox 360 game console, probably in reference to "hex" being a word for "curse."

Chris has stated that if his video game Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles ever gets made, he wants it to become a multi-console title, but NEVER ON HEXBox.

Early days

Chris tried to sell the Xbox games Call of Duty 2: Big Red One, The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay, Driv3r and Celebrity Deathmatch on eBay, which makes it possible that Chris owned an Xbox, though he has been known to buy games at thrift stores and sell them for a profit.

The hatred

Enjoy the hi-res MSPaint graphics.

In the 2 January 2009 IRC chat, Chris expands upon his HEXBox hatred:


12:18 <vivitheg> Why, the Xbox 360 has a lot of games that are on the PS3 too
12:18 <ChrisChanSonichu> because the Live is costly.
12:18 <vivitheg> It's only 50 dollars a year
12:19 <vivitheg> that's very cheap compared to the ps3
12:19 <ChrisChanSonichu> and I'm already a subscriber between PS3 and Wii, which are FREE.
12:19 <ChrisChanSonichu> PSN is Free; Nintendo Wi-Fi is Free.
12:19 <ChrisChanSonichu> Skadoosh.

While making sweet love to his one and only sweetheart, Chris tried to tell us how he really feels about the HEXBox:

"I love PlayStation! I love PlayStation! Kill the Xbox! New reason why they call it the motherfucking 360, you look at it makes you turn around—makes you do a 360° and walk away. Very appropriately called is a damn 120°, 130° whatever, whatever the half of 360° is. Damn damn damn damn damn! damn damn damn damn damn! [...] I love PlayStation. Sony reigns, Sony will reign in the console wars. No matter who argues. Fuck the 350–360 fanatics. Fuck them all to hell. Shot to hell. Damn them all. What the fuck. They're all motherfucking idiots. What the fuck. Damn damn damn damn."

He was asked about this in his Mailbag, and he answered pretty much the same as all of the other responses.

 
 
I never cared for the HEXBox, and frankly it LACKS heavily in comparison to the Wii and PS3, PLUS YOU HAVE TO PAY THEIR FEES TO EVEN GO ONLINE OR DOWNLOAD DEMOS WITH IT. The Wii and Playstation Networks are FREE, ONLY costing you if you BUY the Downloadable Games. When Microsoft FINALLY get that costly detail LONG-GONE, I MAY reconsider. But in the meantime, I rest my case.
 

 

—Chris, being completely irrational., Chris[1]

Actually, Xbox Live has two kinds of accounts. "Free" accounts (formerly "Silver") can access a large part of of Xbox Live features, such as friend lists, messaging, achievements and the content marketplace. "Gold" accounts, currently priced around $60/year, can play multiplayer games, use certain premium features such as Netflix (in US), and get weekly discounts in addition to early access to certain downloadable games and demos (free accounts eventually get access to this content as well).

Considering $60 is around the price of a single game, while factoring in Chris' monthly allowance and his habit of purchasing video games and paraphernalia on a whim while accruing thousands of dollars in debt, the price would hardly be a problem for him. It is safe to say Chris' opposition to Xbox Live stems purely from his console-war mindset.

While PlayStation Network still lets its users play multiplayer games for free, a premium version called PlayStation Plus was introduced in June 2010.[2] In order to prove how strongly he despises Hexbox Live Gold, Chris was spotted in April 2011 using the Plus services.

In the comics

Jason controlling his evil empire from the luxurious comfort of his HEXBox.
Don't Be Nervous Talking 2 Girls, an indie release that, according to Sonichu #10, Chris thinks is the only worthwhile game on the platform. Feel free to draw all the conclusions from this that you logically can.
KILL THE BEAST! CUT HIS THROAT! SPILL HIS BLOOD!
TrophyUnlocked.jpg

The HEXBox 360 is featured during the elevator gag portion of Sonichu #8. Sonichu and Rosechu are greeted by a depiction of an axe cutting through the console as they travel past the 70th floor of the 4-cent_garbage.com building. The 71st floor displays a PlayStation Trophy award for "killing that HEX-BOX."

Christian took care to draw a "Damn Red Ring"[3] around the HEXBox's power button.

In Sonichu #10, Jason Kendrick Howell is shown surveying his evil realm using an Xbox 360 and a pirated copy of LittleBigPlanet. Later, Chris portrays Alec Benson Leary as the owner of an Xbox 360, though as an actual computer hard drive. Chris, as Collosal Chan, enters it, deletes everything about the Asperpedia, then destroys the Xbox.

Chris also has no idea what a real Xbox 360 is supposed to look like. Most notably, he thinks the console is smaller than a Wii, and with the power button on the top end of the console rather than the bottom end (incidentally, Wii also has power button on top and eject button on bottom, exactly the opposite of Xbox 360). He also appears to think that an Xbox 360 has four unprotected USB sockets directly under the disc tray (like those in the PS3), as his portrayal of Alec's console shows; a real 360 console has two memory card slots at that location, and the USB sockets are located next to the power button, under a door. However, the new model 360s don't have memory card slots, but do have two USB slots behind a door near the power button.

Microsoft itself is not addressed in the comics either directly or via pseudonym.

Change of heart?

In a video uploaded September 2010, Chris backpedals on this blatant fanboyism and decides that the Xbox 360 has merits after all. More light was shed with the leaking of an email to Jackie:

 
 
About the XBox thing, I've realized after a revelation that I did not really hate the console originally. As a matter of fact, I've played a store demo kiosk of the 360 twice ever. I felt the anger against it originally, because of how much it cost way back when it was the Original XBox (before the 360), and that I could not afford either one. I felt more of jealousy of everyone else who was able to afford the High Prices of the consoles, and the XBox Live stuff as well. And throughout the time, after learning of the flaws it had, such as the "Red Ring of Death", being supportive of the lost format of HD-DVD (vs. Blu-Ray), and others, I used them as my excuses, which in arguments left me with no leg to stand on. So, I withdraw my past angst against the console. I'm still not going to buy one right away, though. I'll try it more, I mean, if I somehow got hold of a 360 inexpensively or free, or if I tried a Non-Demo console at someone else's place.
 

 

—Chris[4]


Nope, he still hates it

On the weekend of 7 September 2013, Chris was banned from the Ruckersville Wal-Mart after he vandalized an Xbox One kiosk with a felt-tip marker to read "HEXbox One". Not only does this contradict his so-called "change of heart" for the console, but also adds to his ever growing list of lies, as well.

Sources

  1. Mailbag 5
  2. http://www.destructoid.com/psn-plans-premium-subscriptions-online-play-remains-free-155553.phtml
  3. IRC (23 July 2009)
  4. Jackie E-mails 14

External links

CWC-isms

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Dating education | Gal pal | Heart level | Sweetheart | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | Gaybian | Hanky-panky | Homos | Honest Content | Mass debating | Navy | Pickle | Raincoat | Recycling | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Cherokian Clan | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fangs | Fuzzy-wuzzies | Honor roll | Mental Block | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Prickly-Wicklies | Random-access humor | Scale of Respect | Heart level | Tomgirl

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Parody | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt | Reeb

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkop | Kick the Autistic | Laughs Under Lucricities | Manajerks | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Tobacky

Cursewords: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Naïve | Niggos | Pedofork | Slow-in-the-minds

See also: Minor CWC-isms | Chris and English