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Chris and health
Chris, as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine can plainly see, is not in good health. Considering his obesity, lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to bathe, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his surroundings, he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life-threatening medical problems such as cancer, type 2 diabetes, and atherosclerosis.
- Main article: Obesity
Chris is a known fast food-lover, eating either McDonald's or Burger King at least once a day. He has been known to dine out up to four times a day. The fact that he's merely fat and not morbidly obese with such an awe-inspiring calorific intake and inactive lifestyle suggests a fairly high metabolism, one which will almost certainly not last indefinitely.
Chris claims that he cooks for himself four or five days a week, making his cooking a major source of his nutrition. He has said that he took Home Ec. classes in school and that he owns cook books. However, when Jackie asked him to cook spaghetti in a YouTube video (an incredibly basic dish), he dodged responsibility by claiming that Barbara had blocked the kitchen up with junk, so he instead made microwaved spaghetti and meatballs. It can be deduced from this that Chris can't or doesn't cook and simply buys microwavable meals every time he claims to be eating at home.
Many, many times, Chris has been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water and that he drinks a lot of carbonated drinks and energy drinks (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:
- Breakfast: Often nothing because he usually sleeps from 6 a.m. to noon, but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
- Lunch: Something quick at home or fast food.
- Dinner: Eat out with family (fast food) or poorly cooked/microwave meal.
In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for his fecal incontinence (the other one being ramming stuff in his rectum), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence; casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no fruit or vegetables is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.
According to Chris, he eats more vegetables than any other foods of any other food group. The veracity of this statement is dubious, given what is known about Chris's medical history and health in general.
In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.
It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the conversation with Kacey's father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him Lipitor for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of 2009, but whether he was being honest (especially given the number of obvious lies he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation) is uncertain.
Places where Chris likes to eat
- Country Cookin
- Golden Corral (Has closed its doors in Charlottesville)
Chris has not had any regular exercise since leaving high school, and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing video games, his lack of exposure to the sunlight has left his skin a frightening pallor that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room, while making videos. Also, most fat people have strong, stocky legs, due to carrying around all that weight, but since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding than standing up, his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of fat, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks and barely capable of tearing cardboard.
When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing Guitar Hero as exercise. Needless to say, Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris's PaRappa contest entry, where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere thirty seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position). While attending Fridays After Five for a while, he danced in public like a stroke victim, then sat down to rest and play some vidya outdoors.
During the later stages of his infatuation with Kacey, many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to flexing and feats of strength, performing Herculean tasks such as lifting boxes of lemonade and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals Gregg Mays and Liquid Chris should it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.
Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has struggled to do on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is. He's so fat and his muscles are so small that it's never clear whether he's actually flexing, and the fighting moves he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would definitely have his ass handed to him.
In the Father Call and the subsequent Kacey and Liquid Call, Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles (8 km) a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video Sonichu's Edge, where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, whereas with a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.
Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded Axe as a substitute for a shower. According to Emily, he reeked of "rotten watermelons"; Robert Simmons V said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said "body odor masked with gallons of Axe". Chris compounds this problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes; perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for as long as a week at a stretch. The condition of his epidermal system is so poor that it's visibly noticeable, even in his low-quality videos. The texture of grease that is probably permanently adhered to his skin creates a disgusting sheen that reflects a significant amount of light. The same goes for his hair, which is in such poor condition that when he allowed it to grow for the Tomgirl Pictures, many strands were clumped together in greasy, sticky locks, looking akin to the long beard of a homeless man.
Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in basic hygienic activities such as bathing or showering, even if briefly. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games or stalking young ladies. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a boyfriend-free girl would erupt all the way up to 0%.
Despite his irregular (at best) use of the shower, Chris is reportedly an enthusiastic consumer of hand sanitizer. Mimms and Lucas recalled that he would scrub his hands with germ-killing jellied alcohol after every post-card-game handshake at The GAMe PLACe, and photographs of Chris at Fridays After Five suggest that he kept a bottle on hand at all times. Additionally, Mimms and Lucas said in their Q&A session that Chris didn't have any noticeable BO during his time at the GAMe PLACe, suggesting that his odor problems have become more severe in recent years.
As evidenced by his oversized, aviator-like glasses, Chris has a vision problem. Judging by pictures of Chris in his youth, it appears that he began wearing glasses around the time he entered high school. The extent of his eyesight problems is anybody's guess. His glasses are often fogged and dirty, which will not help to correct his vision. Chris often takes them off when things are "getting serious", but keeps them on to read. This is evident in the video in which he reads a letter from Nintendo, and in the "FUTURE MESSAGE" video.
One of Chris' relatives, Dr. David Alan Chandler, happens to be an eye doctor whom Chris has seen in the past. The last time Chris was known to have seen him for an appointment was 6 January 2004.
Chris's driver's license has a restrictive condition checked, which commonly means that the driver must wear glasses in order to legally drive. Whether his vision contributed to the numerous vehicular incidents he has been involved in has yet to be seen. However, it is a good bet that Chris should be wearing glasses while driving, for the sake of those sharing the road with him.
Chris's fondness for baring his fangs in moments of tard rage has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life, assuming he lives that long.
Although it is difficult to tell, in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is likely the result of large consumption of carbonated drinks, poor dental hygiene, and his refusal to visit a professional under the influence of his massive narcissism.
As noted, Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.
The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he is incapable of advancing mentally beyond the mind of a ten-year-old with some Playboy magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.
It is quite possible that Chris doesn't feel like his life has truly begun, that he is still in the "pre-adult" years—this could be related to Chris remaining a virgin until very recently, and a possible belief, subconscious or otherwise, that he wasn't able to truly be an adult until he has sex. Whether or not Chris's encounter with a prostitute will affect his self-perception and maturity has yet to be seen. Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (either ignoring them or getting off the internets), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a dildo.
He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of hair and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:
- His mother would always tell him how "handsome" he was. This might simply be Barbara telling her son what all mothers tell their kids.
- He has an inability to remember faces. For example, during the Blanca incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and BILLY MAYS would have looked the same if BILLY shaved off his beard. In high school, he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind. The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a shitty artist.
Some people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. However…
In the July 2012 arraignment for his and Barbara's actions at the GAMe PLACe the previous fall, Chris agreed to a plea bargain, avoiding felony charges and jailtime in exchange for, among other things, "mandatory psychological treatment and evaluation," which means that Chris may soon be forced to undergo legitimate psychiatric treatment (as opposed to simply seeing an un-certified pastoral "Counselor"), or risk being imprisoned.
Another mental factor that has affected Chris's overall health is stress. In August 2013, Chris indicated that the stress he's endured has begun to affect his health, citing a symptom of high blood pressure. It's not unlikely, especially if you take into account Chris's other problems above.
Bent at a horrifying 45° angle, Chris's duck is a thing of almost unholy terror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this (possibly Peyronie's disease), it is ultimately a mystery that will probably never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive and Chris has other, more important, things on which to spend his (or rather, taxpayers') money.
- SPOILER ALERT: He didn't have any for obvious reasons.
Of course, with the possible revelation that he slept with a hooker in April 2012, he may have to check himself once again.
Chris also has mild heterochromia, which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in a photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green. He probably tells this story so people think he's special.
His voice is also a very severe deformity, ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a three-year old girl on helium all the way to Gilbert Gottfried. It has been medically proven that one of the effects of Asperger's syndrome is a lack of variation in speech such as tone, pitch and accent. It can also work backwards, which could explain Chris's far from normal voice: autistics often have difficulty distinguishing voice tone. In his Song of Christian video, his voice sounds almost entirely normal, except for the occasional times where he recalls Conker of Conker's Bad Fur Day. However, this voice deformity most likely comes from the fact he has little to no human interaction; such isolation has been proven to change a person's perception of pitch, especially if they're autistic. With enough isolation, this will most likely become permanent.
Some have pointed out that Chris has an unusually wide septum, as seen in his MySpace picture. Others go as far as to say he lacks one altogether. The cause of this, like his bent duck, is as yet unknown.
- Mumble #6
- IRC (18 December 2008)
- Fecal incontinence on Wikipedia
- Kacey Call #7
- IRC (03 January 2009)
- Sonichu #7, page 24
- Jackie e-mails
- CWC Update 13 August 2009
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