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Cole Smithey

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Chandler Family
Coles.jpg
Cole Smithey
Birth Name Joseph Cole Smithey
D.O.B. 24 July 1963 (age 51)
Gender Male
Nationality American
Race White
Parents Ran Coleman Yeatts (father)
Barbara Chandler (mother)
Jack Dale Smithey (supposed father)
Jerry Harmon (stepfather)
Robert Chandler (stepfather)
Marriages Katherine (2013-present)
Occupation(s) Film critic, musician
 
 
Let me know when that fuck Bob finally drops.
 

 

—Cole[1]

 
 
I do not regret giving birth to Cole.
 

 

Barbara Chandler[2]

Joseph Cole Smithey (born 24 July 1963)[3] is Chris's half-brother, Barbara's first son, and lone escapee of the Casa De Chandler. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. Cole's emails to Chris revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.

Life

Childhood

Cole's TRUE and HONEST biological father, Ran Coleman Yeatts, from the 1961 Wake Forest yearbook. Notice the physical similarity.

Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.[4] As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" Jerry Harmon with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios."[5]

Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.[5] Cole suspected and later confirmed the identity of his father to be Ran Coleman Yeatts, who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.

In his article Saturday Night Special, Cole recounts his coming to age. This includes a particular event where Barbara fires a loaded gun at a steel door to ward off a burglar, the resulting ricochet of which almost striking young Cole in the head. These events have obviously had a lasting impression on him.

Move to California

Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College in similar fields of study.[6] While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs". The band lasted from 1981–85.[7]

Present

Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.[8] He was mentioned once in Time Magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3.[9] He occasionally hosts eBay auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night drinking with him, proving that despite one half-brother being a pretentious hipster douchebag, and the other being an emotionally stunted autistic manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.[10]

Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low viewcounts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few dozen, even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that, ironically, the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother.

By March 2007, Cole was in a relationship with a woman named Katherine.[11] This is most likely the same Katherine he married in March 2013.[12]

Relationship with Barbara and Bob

A likely summary for Bob and Cole's relationship.
Cole smiles alongside Barbara on Chris's 18th birthday.

Cole was not on good terms with Bob or Barbara. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."[5] In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.[11]

Barbara continued to lie about the identity of Cole's biological father and related facts repeatedly, even on the night before Cole's wedding and even after Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to Jack Dale Smithey, Cole's alleged father, but rather to Ran Coleman Yeatts. In a leaked e-mail sent to Jackie on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that "he has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.

Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own. Chris has recently complained that Cole is ignoring Barb's attempts to get in touch with him. It would seem that Cole has left his mother to her own devices.

Relationship with Chris

The half-brothers hold their hands the same way on Chris's 18th birthday.

Ironically, for much of his life Cole has actually gotten along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb, and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know who your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.

Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the abusive babysitter, which suggests that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault.

Cole visited for Chris's 18th birthday party in 2000. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him A CD For Cole Smithey! Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover. Chris further taints the CD by trying to talk like a DJ.

Chris visited Cole in California at some point, the only time Chris has been on an airplane[13] and one of only two times that he has left Virginia (the other being his trip to Ohio to save Julie).

In July 2007, Chris sent an email asking for Cole's vote in the PaRappa contest. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.[14] Chris did ask his mother about it, but she lied once again. Chris was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is (though in Chris's defense, getting involved in an awkward quarrel about parentage is a pretty odd price for a simple upvote on a video.) This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris. To date, these remain the last known communications between the half-brothers.

In 2013, Chris got back into contact with Cole on Twitter, basically telling him to come back home so he could dump his responsiblities of taking care of his mother on him and go on his Sweetheart Search. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own (even talking down to him at one point) right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail. Cole has yet to respond.

Chris also made another attempt to contact Cole, this time through video. He recorded a message directed to John Kyle,[15] Cole's brother-in-law who sang at his wedding.[12] In said video Chris expressed anger at Cole for not inviting him and Barb to his wedding. From Chris's words in the video we can learn that it was made a "few months" after Cole's wedding and near Barb's 72nd birthday. If a "few months" is taken to mean at least three months, we can deduce the video was made around June-September 2013.

Cole in the comics

On the CWCipedia profile for Rosechu, there is a "Professor Cole" listed as the one who gave Kel the Pichu who would become Rosechu.

Gallery

Sources

  1. 24 July 2007 email #3
  2. 6 March 2007 email, page 1
  3. A CD For Cole Smithey!
  4. Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)
  5. 5.0 5.1 5.2 6 March 2007 email, page 2
  6. http://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa
  7. The Rockin' Dogs | San Diego Reader
  8. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/
  9. http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/
  10. http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221
  11. 11.0 11.1 Cole Smithey E-mails
  12. 12.0 12.1 John Kyle - Three Love Songs at Katherine and Cole's Wedding (retrieved on 24 February 2014)
  13. Mumble 1
  14. United States Social Security Death Index
  15. Message for John Kyle

External links

The List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate

I. Chris II. Bob Chandler III. Santa Clause IV. God V. Jesus

VI. The President of the U.S.: George W. BushBarack Obama

VII. All the World Leaders: Mahmoud AhmadinejadKim Jong-unManuel Noriega

VIII. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present:
Cole SmitheyDr. David Alan ChandlerJonathan CareyUncle Raymond
Joseph HerringJoshua MartinezMimmsLucasRobert Simmons VWilliam Elliott Waterman

IX. Celebrities: Jack BlackRed SkeltonDick Van DykeBob NewhartTim AllenJerry SeinfeldBrad GarrettLarry the Cable GuyPeter Cullen

X. Robots: Optimus PrimeMegatron

XI. Electric Hedgehog Pokémon: SonichuWild SonichuPunchy SonichuMagi-ChanBlakeDJ JamstaBlazeBob SonichuMitch SonichuDarkbind SonichuMetonic

XII. Hedgehogs: Sonic the HedgehogBionic the Hedgehog

XIII. Pornstars: Bailey Jay

The List Of Males Chris Does Hate

JERKS

---- Christian Weston Chandler's People ----

At home: Bob Chandler | Barbara Chandler | Patti Chandler | The Chandler Cats | Clover and Snoopy

Family: Minor Family Members | Cole Smithey | Aunt Corrina | Daniel Weston | Anne Boleyn | Reginald Chandler | Crystal Weston Chandler

Enemies: Michael Snyder | Adam Stackhouse | Wes Iseli | Mary Lee Walsh | CADD Chef | Bagget | ScotPalazzo | Manajerks | B-Manajerk | Jerkhief | W-M-Manajerk | Kirby McDerbie

Jerks: Joseph Herring | Lucas | Joshua Martinez

Sweethearts: Blanca Weiss | PandaHalo | BlueSpike | Sarah Jackson | Emily | Ivy | Kacey | Jackie

Gal-Pals: Laura Dorazio | Tiffany Gowen | Kellie Andes | Megan Schroeder | Anna McLerran | Sarah Nicole Hammer | The Wallflower | Kim Wilson

Trolls: Liquid Chris | Clyde Cash | Jack Thaddeus | Jason Kendrick Howell | Kathleen Nicole Wallace | Man in the Pickle Suit | BILLY MAYS | Evan | Vivian Gee | Sarah May | Robert Simmons V | Jimmy Hill | Shigeru Miyamoto | Reggie Fils-Aimé | Takashi Tezuka | Jay Z | Surfshack Tito

Other: Abusive babysitter | Hanna | Ryan Cash | Vanessa Hudgens | Bruce Johnson | Virginia Jeanine Sanford | Rocky Shoemaker | Rob Bell | William Elliott Waterman | Lori Lopez | Caitlin | Chloe | Officer Nasty | Kimmi |