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—Chris, on being nearly 30.
Chris's birthday, 24 February, is a significant date in his life, for obvious reasons. However, the bizarre inconsistency of how he celebrates (from some new vidya, to wanting his birthday to be a national holiday) warrants some inspection.
- 1 Notable birthdays
- 1.1 1999, 17th birthday
- 1.2 2000, 18th birthday
- 1.3 2003, 21st birthday
- 1.4 2005, 23rd birthday
- 1.5 2007, 25th birthday
- 1.6 2008, 26th birthday
- 1.7 2009, 27th birthday
- 1.8 2010, 28th birthday
- 1.9 2011, 29th birthday
- 1.10 2012, 30th birthday
- 1.11 2013, 31st birthday
- 1.12 2014, 32nd birthday
- 1.13 2015, 33rd birthday
- 1.14 2016, 34th birthday
- 2 Birthday Gallery: Witness the Evolution
- 3 "Christian Love Day"
- 4 References
1999, 17th birthday
Chris received a Pro 200 handheld game console, and was photographed looking visibly disappointed while holding it. Unsurprising, since it's listed on TV Tropes' "So Bad It's Horrible" pages for a reason:
|At a time when LCD games were being phased out and the Game Boy Color was just about to be released, the ill-conceived Pro 200, made by some unknown company under the name ProTech, was released via mail order, claiming to be a cheap alternative to all the other systems out on the market. The "system" (to say the least) was marketed as to having 200 games, being a full-function calculator and having "state-of-the-art" computer chip technology. In reality, the system had only 15 games (the marketers got the 200 figure by counting each difficulty level as an individual game), most of which were Tetris rip-offs. The ones that weren't Tetris rip-offs were just as bad due to the system's ridiculously small screen, much like those cheap products one could find at a bargain bin.|
2000, 18th birthday
While most people would've celebrated by partying hard, doing something special, or just acknowledging that they have grown into legal adults, Chris got a Sega Dreamcast. While he did have something of a party, it was very much the kind thrown for small children, composed of thrown-together decor, last-minute gifts, and some platonic gal-pals as guests. No strip clubs, no booze, no tobacky, just Kenan & Kel and cake. Interestingly, this was allegedly Chris's best birthday ever. Even more interestingly, Kenan and Kel's parent show, All That, featured a Vital Information for Your Everyday Life sketch that had some very, very eerie foreshadowing:
—Lori Beth Denberg
The great importance of this event apparently warranted recording as a story, "My big 18th party".
Years later, when asked by Kacey what did he do with his high school friends, Chris could not recall meeting them outside of school at any instance other than his 18th birthday. Likewise, a former Manchester High alumni who attended this birthday cannot recall any other instance in which she and the rest of Chris's high school friends ever hung out with him outside of school.
2003, 21st birthday
If the above birthday was Chris's best, then this was probably his worst. No friends, no new video games, and no sweetheart. The only thing Chris got was kicked out of his college English class by his professor. All wasn't lost, however, as this event was the catalyst that began the Love Quest, Chris's enduring search for someone that will put up with his crying and pamper him for eternity.
2005, 23rd birthday
Chris documented this birthday in an issue of Sonichu's News Dash. It took place at the mall and was attended by his parents, as well as "a couple of his new-found gal-pals, who all already have Boyfriends, or are otherwise undatable, due to her religion." He was treated like a child and loved every second of it.
2007, 25th birthday
To celebrate this milestone, Chris recorded an IMPORTANT MESSAGE, inspiring girls, boys, and dudes of all teenages with the many lessons he has learned from his quarter-century of experience.
2008, 26th birthday
It's unknown what Chris did for his birthday on February 24 2008, although a week later Megan wrote to him saying "Yeah that internet thing is getting very much out of hand and would like to ask if you could please take down or remove anything that has to do with me from any of your websites. I don't want to appear on those sites as well." A while later she discovered that ShecameforCWC.JPG was meant to be a picture of her. Chaos ensued.
2009, 27th birthday
Chris's 27th birthday coincided with the burial of his late Aunt Corrina. Undoubtedly, this cast a shadow on the festivities. In true Chris fashion, he bitched and complained about not being able to stuff his greedy gullet full of pancakes instead of mourning the loss of his aunt. He would later go on to complain in Mumble 9 about how Aunt Corrina ruined his special day by selfishly dying. He also received some birthday money, which he used to fund his Ohio trip.
2010, 28th birthday
Chris's 28th birthday is shrouded in mystery. Other than his obsessive desire to see his birthday made a holiday, next to nothing is known about how it was spent. What we do know is that he ingested a mysterious substance and was visited by another male guest. Alec Benson Leary also called in and congratulated him, being the all-around nice guy that he is. Chris had been saving $100 to pay for a prostitute as a birthday present for himself, but he ultimately abandoned that idea after The Wallflower became his friend and he assumed he would be allowed to have sex with her for free.
2011, 29th birthday
- Sonichu Canon: Coincidentally (or not), the homo vaccine in Sonichu #10 is distributed into the world's water supply on this day.
2012, 30th birthday
Chris entered his fourth decade in 2012. The 28 October 2011 crimes still cast a shadow. Being the affluent Sony fanboy that he is, Chris bought himself a PlayStation Vita and a copy of Asphalt Injection (a racing title that was critically-panned and not as well-received as other Asphalt games).
Leaked Facebook statuses revealed that Chris was not looking forward to this birthday. On 30 January he expressed his frustrations about soon becoming a 30 year old virgin, and a little more than a week later Chris announced on 11 February that he had no plans for his birthday.
2013, 31st birthday
2014, 32nd birthday
Chris and his mother were staying in their temporary house while his home was undergoing repairs after its fiery destruction. Chris was recovering from bronchitis. It was a quiet birthday. He worked on his LEGO high school, watched the Back to the Future movies, and got some free ice cream at IHOP.
2015, 33rd birthday
Chris took to Facebook, asking for a "very much required" $300 Lego set, along with two $70 Bikini Bottom sets - because he wants to make use of one piece from each set. His given motive is that he "may reconsider [his] feelings upon the lot of you" (note that the condition is that he may reconsider his feelings - it's not guaranteed, but you'll have to send him $400 in Lego blocks to find out). Unsurprisingly, Chris did not receive the gifts he asked for.
2016, 34th birthday
After months of living on the profits from his overpriced art and excessive donations from remorseful trolls, much like the year before, Chris's 34th birthday ended up being marked by lavish demands on his part. This year, he made an "offer" to his fanbase: if they sent him a PS4 bundle of his choosing for his birthday, he would in turn give them a $500 discount on his wide selection of shit on Etsy. Whether Chris even has $500 worth of merchandise that anyone would want to buy, or whether they would receive their purchases in a timely manner, is an exercise left to the reader.
Needless to say, February 24 came and went, with no PS4 forthcoming. The following day, Chris caught some Christorians off-guard by revealing (in the most lulzy fashion) that he had seriously expected strangers on the internet to fork out hundreds of dollars for the birthday
boy girl. Not only that, but some had even chosen instead to taunt him by sending him unactivated gift cards and used lottery tickets. And what happened then? Well, in CWCVille they say - that the Mayor's massive ego shrank three sizes that day.
Chris eventually purchased his own PS4 when nobody took him up on his "generous offer", but nonetheless pretended that he'd received it as a gift from an employee of the company he bought it from, in an apparent attempt to troll the trolls and/or rewrite history so he can continue believing that he has a massive
terrorist organization fanbase who love him and would do anything for him, even if it breaks the law. And sure enough, he's tried to use them for just that, in the past, inciting them to vandalism and even violence.
Ultimately, many found it simultaneously funny and sad that Chris had to make up his own white knight.
Birthday Gallery: Witness the Evolution
"Christian Love Day"
Many people see their birthday as a day of personal relevance. Chris, on the other hand, thinks everyone across the globe should be focused on him too. First seen in the CWC Blog, "Christian Love Day" is apparently a second Valentine's Day, but celebrated exclusively by STRAIGHT folk. In the Mailbag, he clarified he "feels like" it should be a nationally recognized holiday, merely because he wills it and it's also Mexican Flag Day. However, Chris provides no details on how to celebrate, nor does he put any effort into garnering publicity beyond one lone video.
In Sonichu, the holiday gains slightly more credence, along with some disturbing moral stipulations. It is on this day that the homo vaccine "cures" the homosexual population of the Earth, driving the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor up to critical levels. It seems to be that this fictional event is the real reason Chris wants to commemorate his birthday as a holiday (well, that and ego). Chris either thinks his comic is so widely known that the date of its denouement would be nationally recognized, or he has a skewed perception of the lines between fiction and reality.
- Kacey Call 20
- October 2013 Facebook Posts#Reality Comes Knocking
- As can be inferred from the fact that The Tale Of The Crazy Pacer was published on 5 February 2005, prior to Chris's birthday.
- MySpace messages#Jalena
- Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Birthday
- Ode to Julie
- Christian Love Day (video)
|Christian Weston Chandler's Year|