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Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown
In June 2007, Sony Computer Entertainment America (SCEA) announced the Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown contest to promote the video game PaRappa the Rapper. Contestants were to film themselves performing either Chop Chop Master Onion's rap, Instructor Mooselini's rap or Cheap Cheap the Cooking Chicken's rap a capella. The grand prize winner of the contest would receive two PSPs and an all-expenses-paid trip to Seattle for the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo.
The contest was of monumental importance, as it would achieve goals for Christian Weston Chandler on multiple fronts. Beyond his innate desire to win contests by making an ass of himself on film, Chris hoped to bestow one of the PSPs to his beloved Megan Schroeder and invite her to accompany him on the trip, thereby creating an opportunity for her to give in to her obvious passion for him. The potential benefits could not be overstated. Failure to win the contest was not an option.
Master Onion A-La Mode
| Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|
|Stardate||29 June 2007|
|Subject Matter||Music, Video Games|
|OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos|
SOUL CALIBUR: Chris-chan vs. Mary Lee Walsh
| next |
CWC is Angry
To ensure nothing less than total victory, Chris elected to perform the Chop Chop Master Onion Rap. Despite claiming this was the only song he knew from the game, Chris clearly didn't know it all that well, considering that he reads its lyrics while "performing," not having bothered to rehearse/learn the lines. But then again, have any of his videos looked even remotely prepared? Oddly, he peppers the video with various video effects that seem to come from what is likely the default video editing program of EyeToy/PSEye, including a hilarious caption of "Birthday Boy" popping up during one point. It could be assumed that Chris did so to make his video look 'nice', only for it to turn into laughing material. Towards the end of the video, Chris can be seen struggling to breathe from close to three minutes of extremely mild exercise.
Hey, P-Station, my name is Christian Chandler
I live in Ruckersville, Virginia!
I have a PSP, I like to rap,
I play PaRappa, and go with him now.
The only song I know is "Master Onion"
Which I got from a demo I borrowed from my friend Megan!
I have a PSP and she don't,
So give me the PSP; unwrap the wrapper,
So I can give one to her, and then we can play together!
So here we go, we're gonna sing it now.
Master Onion, A-La Mode!
Kick! Punch! It's all in the m-mind.
If you wanna test me, I'm sure you will find
That you all things, I'll teach ya sure to beat ya,
Nevertheless, you'll get a lesson from teacher now
Once more now. Kick (Kick)
And Block (Block)
Don't get cocky, it's doesn't get rocky,
We gonna move down to the next ya jockey now
And Pose (Pose)
Listen carefully. Jump (Jump)
and Turn (Turn)
Hmm, yeah, I see you're getting better,
Kick to the limit in order to get her now
Kick Punch (Kick Punch)
Chop Block (Chop Block)
Chop Kick (Chop Kick)
Punch Block (Punch Block)
It's gonna get harder now Duck & Jump (Duck & Jump)
Turn & Pose (Turn & Pose)
Duck & Turn (Duck & Turn)
Jump & Pose (Jump Pose)
Come on now, why don't you follow my words,
Because we're almost done, I'll make things worse.
I wanna see if you wanna see what it means
To be the man with the master plan. Are you the man now?
Here we go now. Kick Punch Block (Kick Punch Block)
Chop Kick Block (Chop Kick Block)
Block Turn & Kick it (Block Turn & Kick it)
Block Duck Punch (Block Duck Punch)
Duck Duck Turn (Duck Duck Turn)
Jump Kick Chop (Jump Kick Chop)
and Punch Punch Punch (Punch Punch Punch)
That's it for today.
Good job, PaRappa!
You can go to the next stage now.
PaRappa, I'm so proud of you!
Alright. Thank ya, teacha!
Man, you’re so good!
I got a tit-loose memory, money
With students like you…
Wanna try a super-beginner’s course?
You’re pick—you’re pickin’ on me too fast!
I'm outta here!
Guitar Hero on PlayStation 3
Don't press the PS button after select hang, see?
Make sure you hook up with the converter controller
Dude, rock on, yo! Nananananaaaa!
Rap, rap, rap! That's a wrap!
Chris's video made it into the top 10, probably because a little more than 10 people entered. The winner was to be selected from a vote by PlayStation Underground members in July 2007. Chris asked for votes from many people:
- At The GAMe PLACe, Chris handed out fliers telling people to vote for him. To ensure success, he read everything off the flier to each person before giving it over. Obviously, no one voted.
- Chris badgered his half-brother Cole Smithey to vote. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out from their mother about the real identity of Cole's biological father. Chris wasn't interested in Cole's plight, and so Cole never voted for him.
- Chris also asked Susan Hannifan, a PVCC guidance counselor to whom Chris showed a disrespectful attitude in the past.
- Chris wrote ads on CWC's Sonichu Site!, CWC's Pokésite 2, MySpace, PSN, Hot Wheels, and Bionicle.
—Chris, describing his video in third person
—Official contest rules
The competition was won by Adam Stackhouse, whom Chris bears a grudge against as he felt Adam broke "da rules" by having music and multiple people in his entry. Chris loathed the 2nd and 3rd place winners for having music as well. In actuality, the beatboxing in Adam's video counts as a cappella. Furthermore, another top 10 finalist claimed that he had removed his own music to avoid breaking the rules, but Sony said it was fine.
The irony is Chris actually violated da rules by making up bits and pieces of his own lyrics, as seen above. Just about the only logical reason Chris got as far as he did is that the judges had never quite seen anything like this before.
Relentless vote stuffing did earn Chris a reward, however. The rules state that finalists would "...get their Submissions published on PlayStation.com, and will receive a copy of the game PaRappa the Rapper for the PSP® (PlayStation®Portable) system and some PaRappa branded premium items such as a PSP skin, PSP charm, and a PaRappa signature beanie (ARV $60)." Or, as Chris explains in PS3 History level, "copy of the PSP version of the PSOne classic, a charm, HIS hat, and 5 PSP-1000 Skins." (No, we have no idea why "HIS" is all capitalized. PaRappa is neither divine in nature, nor exactly a paragon of masculinity.)
Infuriated over his loss, Chris sent an angry email to Sony executives on 3 August 2007, blasting them for refusing to award him the Seattle trip.
The email is a whiny and rambling tirade where Chris begs for first prize, because winning the video game contest represented his only opportunity at losing his virginity to Megan Schroeder and giving birth to his daughter Crystal Weston Chandler. Furthermore, Chris accuses the company of discriminating against autistic individuals, solely for failing to reward them with special treatment:
On 4 August, Chris raged multiple times on his PSN blog against Adam Stackhouse and the other winners, using his time-honored "Kick the Autistic" crutch. When people told him to relax, he told them to shut up: this resulted in a temporary ban from PSN moderators.
The same day, Chris sent another angry e-mail to Sony executives, this time enclosing a systematic dissection of why everyone else's video was in violation of contest rules. Chris evidently overlooked his own questionable ethics of mercilessly vote-stuffing with sockpuppet accounts and begging everyone on his e-mail contact list to vote for him. Sony later replied with a canned response, indicating that his letter was not even read at all and that Chris would need to resort to more drastic measures.
Two days later, Chris would continue his rampage against Adam Stackhouse by creating a fake webpage designed to show himself as the true winner of the contest. He went around various PSN News posts and left comments with the following:
Chris later escalated his campaign by producing a video titled CWC is Angry. In the video, Chris prints out a picture of Stackhouse and his sister and uses it as a pellet gun target for two continuous minutes. Although the video was originally intended to be a vindictive show of intimidation, the mood was spoiled by an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force blaring loudly in the background, not to mention Chris' weapon of choice was a toy.
During Chris's struggle to be recognized as the rightful winner of the contest, Megan informed him that she was glad he lost and that she would never have gone with him on the trip even if he had won. Chris finally went on to claim that he had contracted a "gut virus" due to the strain on his body from slapping together his halfassed contest entry.
Two versions of the video exist. The one that Chris uploaded later to his YouTube channel has an additional photograph of Megan between the first and second verses. Either this version is the original version before Megan broke up with Chris, and Chris had to remove her picture to make amends, or the video with the picture was made much later, due to Chris's pangs of agony over long-lost love.
|Stardate||9 January 2010|
|Made By||Liquid Chris|
|TRUE and HONEST Sonichu Fan Videos|
- ↑ Mimms and Lucas Q&A#Chris's history and personality
- ↑ 21 July 2007 email
- ↑ Chris emails 2007#July
- ↑ Chris emails 2004-2006#February 2004
- ↑ Megan emails, Jan-July 2007#Chris wishes her a happy birthday, Megan still in Kentucky, Chris whores himself for votes
- ↑ PSN blog, 31 July 2007
- ↑ Momo :: Chop Chop Master Onion Showdown (w/music) video on YouTube
- ↑ Chris E-mails 2007#August
- ↑ http://blog.us.playstation.com/2007/08/warhawk-goes-gold/comment-page-9/
- ↑ http://blog.us.playstation.com/2007/08/comment-monitoring/comment-page-4/
- ↑ http://web.archive.org/web/20080705130230/http://www.myspace.com/sonichucwc
- Adam Stackhouse
- GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes
- CWC is Angry
- PaRappa the Rapper
- Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes
|⇐ Chris-chan vs. Mary Lee Walsh||Chris's videos||CWC is Angry ⇒|