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CWC Update 18 January 2009

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you should make a video telling those mean trolls you won't succumb to their awful attacks! Maybe that'll show them. You need to show them who's boss, put them in their place! You can't let them get away with this!
 

 

Julie, encouraging Chris to make this video[1]

"CWC Update 18 January 2009" (officially "CWCUpdate01182009") is a video in which Christian issues a scathing statement concerning hackers who used his email account to send messages to dozens of people saying Christian has come out of the closet. He denies this outrageous claim and proves his heterosexuality by stomping on the vibrator he has owned for years. Taped to his foot is a message featuring a crudely drawn nude female torso to hammer home his point. Internet scientists are hard at work determining which anime he copied this stupid idea from.

There is delicious irony in hearing Christian bellow "I'm straight, I'm straight, believe me!" while the camera shows four pink purses lined up on his wall behind him.

 
 
It's my representation of me stompin' on the Troll's Dicks.
 

 

—Chris[2]

Description

I have a bit of Redneck in me, so you TROLLS just come to me in person and I will STOMP YOU OUT! I have FAMILY with Uncles, Aunts, Cousins and the rest who can BRING YOU TROLLS TO COURT.

Video

CWC Update 18 January 2009
Stardate 18 January 2009
Subject Matter HomosHomos Homos
Performance Style RageRage Rage
Shirt Classic ShirtClassic Shirt The Classic
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
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CWC to Mr. Miyamoto-san
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Chris's Plea to Clyde Cash
 
 
You can kiss my foot! And you know what else else?
 

 

Transcript

January 18, 2009.

[Note: Chris says "Captain's Log" right before this, but the first second of the video is corrupt.]

Uh, this is another brief update.

For those of you that have actu—who have actually received them—um… the e-mails that possibly came from my AOL account: troll—another troll has—hacked into my AOL account yesterday… and, uh, spammed the e-mails around. I had, uh, closed the account temporarily… and I am currently, uh, without the e-mail address.

So, therefore, uh… just—just to rem—just to let everybody in my fan base and on the Internet know: I'm sti—I am straight! I am straight! And no trollno slanderous troll is gonna… alter me in such way!

I'm straight. Straight! Believe me!

I have a subscription to Playboy.

[sniffles]

And look into my—and look in my eyes [looks away], in my face. I can't be more serious than how I am right now.

Those damn slanderous trolls!

Chris defends his sexuality.

Damn them all to Hell.

[cut to Chris at a new angle]

And another thing, ya slanderous trolls:

[cut to sole of Chris's shoe]

You can kiss my foot!

And you know what else else?

[cut to Chris loudly slamming his foot down on top of his vibrator]

[grinds foot into vibrator until it slips loose, rolling out of the shot]

[turns foot to reveal a note that depicts a naked woman's torso and the message "CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER IS STRAIGHT!!"]

And don't you forget it!

[nearly kicks camera over by sliding heel forward for an extreme close-up]

[cut back to Chris at original angle]

Uh, but, the rest of y'all, the true, good citizens: peace, and have a good day.

References

  1. BlueSpike Skype Logs 2
  2. BlueSpike Skype Logs 2
CWC to Mr. Miyamoto-san Chris's videos Chris's Plea to Clyde Cash